Kirsten's creative writing

1/12/06 Creative Writing Task Kirsten McGill


Drip,
Drip,
Drip,
Drip,
The tap water of the bath mimics the tears falling from my own eyes. I am sitting in the cold, white of my bathroom in the tub, water all around me. I have been bathing at least an hour and yet I still feel unclean. I am scared, scared of what I must do, what might happen, what my Mum may say. It's a crippling prosppect; the unknown.
I clamber out of the bath, I am shivering now although I no longer feel cold. I take it out of the box, sit on the toilet, follow the instructions and wait.... Each second feels like a lifetime. My body is numb with fear. When the time comes to check I panic, maybe if I don't look it won't happen it'll all go away I'll be fine I'll just carry on living, going to school, having fun. I don't need to know. But I do.
I turn over the test and there in blue reads the word that will destroy my life:



I'm not sure how long I've been standing here, naked and cold. One hour, two, maybe only a couple of minutes time has stood still, abandoned me. I am alone.
How could this happen? I am seventeen years old and I've only ever been with one guy, it was a mistake, everyone was "doing it" I just wondered what the fuss was about and so at a party. A few vodka's in me I left with some guy. I don't even remember his name. I felt so cheap, dirty. It wasn't a great experience, not even a good one. It hurt, it wasn't caring, nothing like all that crap on the movies.
I cried and I regretted it, I lost my innocence to some passing stranger. As full of regret as I was I put it behind me, vowed I would never again be used 'so' cheaply and yet here I am now crying into a towel and trying to weigh up my options: As I see it I only have two:
1) Have an abortion, continue school and pursuing my dream of becoming a doctor.
2) Have the baby and become a single mother at eighteen years old, leave school to care for baby, never become a doctor.
I can't believe that in the last few hours my life has changed forever and as selfish as it is, I can't help but think what people will think of me. Will they snigger at me in the street? Will they pity me? Will mothers use me to deter their children from having sex, "You don't want to end up like her, do you?" What will my mother think? Her only child, her straight-A, studious and well-behaved daughter having sex with a unknown boy and falling pregnant. I feel like it will kill her or that she will kill me.
For as long as I remember, becoming a doctor is all I have ever wanted. I used to dress up in the wee outfits Mum would buy me for Christmas and write prescriptins for everyone.








Now I might lose my dream. I can't have a baby I cant afford a baby: nappies, dummies, food, a pram they cry a lot I don't know how to look after a baby I'm a child I can't have a baby I can't, can I? but then an abortion I can't just destroy this feotus have it removed from me. What kind of person does that make me? Am I a murderer ?

What am I going to do?

I inhale deeply, wrap the towel around my body and pull a robe over my cold shoulders, I must face my Mum. I feel there is nothing she can say to worsten this situation and so I descend the stairs. I feel as though I am walking into hell itself.
I must go in to the kitchen and rationally explain. I'll tell her how it happened: when, where, why and how I am sorry, I'm so so sorry for ruining everything. I have to stay calm.
I open the kitchen door and sitting at the table reading a paper, with a cup of coffee is my Mum. As I walk to the table, I crumble. Tears cascade down my face, my body involuntarily shakes, I sob and words fall out of my mouth. I cannot stop I feel as like a volcano with all my emotions erupting out of me. When words finally fail me and I can no longer speak for the sobbing, I look to my Mum's face and watch as one single tear tumbles down her cheek and splatters onto her newspaper. I bow my head in shame, I have reduced the person in the world I love most to tears, as I realise I will NEVER forgive myself. My Mum comes to me and quietly whispers, "I love you, we will get through this." As she rocks me gently ,as she did when I was kid, I inhale and take in her scent. The smell of comfort, of love and just for a moment, I truly believe it might be okay.

When I woke up this morning, for a moment I totally forgot. I don't remember the anguish I have caused or the pain I have endured and yet as I awaken, the events of the night before hits me like a double decker bus.
It is Monday, Mum has left for work, there is a note by bed.

Darling'
I am sorry I couldn't be with you today, you know I
would if I could. I love you and whatever you decide I will be
here for you. I have booked an appointment for you with Dr.
Carr today at 11:10am, so you can get some advice. we will
be OK, honey.I love you so much and I am sorry that this is
such a difficult time for you. See you tonight. All my love,
Mum xxxxxxxxxx


Dr Carr's office strikes me as impersonal and empty. The walls are white with various posters on healthy eating and common ailments. She is a thin woman with flowing, curly, red hair neatly pinned back in a clip. She is wearing her white coat and stethoscope around her neck. I can't help but wonder if she is judging me.

Dr Carr: I know this must be hard for you but you must make a decision as soon as posible about whether or not you wish to terminate this pregnancy.
(I remain silent, my eyes sting with tears.)
Dr carr: Tell me your thoughts, what is your heart telling you to do?
Me: I don't want to have this baby, I am not ready, I can't look after a child I'm scared if I have a baby i'll never become a doctor I won't be able to finance a child. (I pause before I say the thing that scares me most) I don't want my baby to grow up not knowing its father.... like I did. I sob and i feel embarassed for revealling this to the unknown woman and yet she seems kind, unjudging and caring. I trust her.
Dr Carr: I am going to refer you to the hospital where you will receive counselling to help you get over this, you will be scanned to ensure your dates are correct and that you are in the earliest stages of pregnancy. You will be given time to think about this and although you may not believe it now, you will be okay.

* * * *
I am lying in my bed thinking how irresponsible I have been and about the decision I have made to end this pregnancy. I cannot raise a child I am not ready to be a mother. I have dreams and ambitions I must fulfill although I know that aborting is the right decision for me I am also aware that every day I must live with myself for denying life. The very opposite of what I wish to dedicate my life to but I don't wish to end my own by having a baby that I cannot care for entirely. As I close my eyes I finally start to believe that somewhere in the future, it really will be OK.